


I just kept on running, trying to find out who I was; but now I'm standing straight and know exactly who I am (I'm picking up my sword to shatter all the pieces that I was before).

by anxiouspunk



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I just want the characters to talk to each other honestly, I love perry so much which is why I had to do a whole character study on her, Self-Harm, also some perry and laura bonding, and even a bit of carmilla and perry bonding too!, and now I see it's way too long and I've overwritten again whoops, angst first but then it does lighten up it’s not sad all the way through I promise, but again accidental and not so much intentional, but it’s not the main focus, kinda girly pop but a really good song, laferry is sprinkled throughout the fic because they own me, she says like she doesn’t have several fics with taylor swift songs as titles..., takes place after s3 final, though I’m not sure why I keep hurting her in my fics if I love her so much, title is ‘I dare you’ by bea miller, won’t beat around the bush here this relies a lot on the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 01:19:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18084662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiouspunk/pseuds/anxiouspunk
Summary: almost a year perry spent in the dark. wasting away, lost, until she's finally rescued from the monster that stole her away from herself.but just because she's come back, doesn't mean she knows who she is anymore.-or, the character study fic on perry trying to come back into herself after she was possessed by the dean.





	I just kept on running, trying to find out who I was; but now I'm standing straight and know exactly who I am (I'm picking up my sword to shatter all the pieces that I was before).

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So this has been a long time in the making. I promised more character fics last time, and now I've /finally/ gotten around to it. If you haven't already heard, I love Perry so much, and she's severely slept on in the fandom. I just kept thinking about what she would've gone through after coming back, and given I love pulling apart characters, this fic ended up being born.
> 
> And I think that's it. Enjoy!

when she says she has no memory of  _ that day,  _ she’s really not exaggerating. 

 

she remembers when the dark finally started dissolving; the empty, empty _black_ she’d been withering away to where she stopped picturing sunlight and what her friends looked like, under nothing except _her_ cruel whispers, to where she was confident there’d never be a return. the blackness moves away and finally, _this time,_ when she blinks back there’s a world around her. it’s dark and decrepit in the cave but it’s real and she’s actually standing in her own body even if she doesn’t look like herself and then there’s laf and everyone – 

 

laf.  _ lafontaine. _ they were here. they were bruised and damaged and before perry can worry about the blood dripping from her fingers and the bandage around their eye, they’re holding  her tight and she’s crying but she’s  _ here  _ and so is laf. 

 

_I knew it, I knew you’d come find me._

 

but it’s not all okay. there’s laura and she’s hurt and struggling to breathe. there’s carmilla holding her sunken body, sobbing. people are bleeding and trapped and danny is gone and it is  _ far  _ from okay. 

 

her first instinct is to help of course. it always is. help laura and help the  bloodied bodies, her and laf whirling around the chaos  and  everyone else just trying to come out  of this  alive.  they patch what they can, help release those held hostage, and once it was clear the world  _ wasn’t  _ going to come to it’s knees, they could break out. hundreds of panicked and bruised bodies huddled together, working their way out, together, trying to find the outside air. perry’s frenzied and worried and clutching laf’s hand, no time to worry about what she’d just personally undergone until –  _ yes,  _ the masses break free from the dirt walls and come out triumphant into the open. there’s cheering and  widespread relief, like the whole study body mass let out one breath of relief.

 

however,  once they were  all  semi-fine and out of the crater, she sinks. 

 

she blacks and her whole body gives out, unable to move even if she wanted to. and she did; she wanted to help. but no person could undergo a god using their body like a tool they could throw away later,  causing her to fall into exhaustion and absolute helplessness. the only faint recollection she had was strong arms grasping under and around her to lift her up, a quiet voice  _ it’s okay perr, swear, I got you now, stay with me okay?.. _

 

she knows it’s laf. she knows it even before they speak as her head lolls against their shoulder, sinking in. although there’s blood cracked on the jumpsuit and no scent of apple shampoo that had been signature since they were seven, she knows anyway. she’s carried all the way to the safe house and laf lays her gently down on the few available beds.

 

and didn’t leave her sight after.

 

they couldn’t be moved the entire rest of the day, right by her side even as everyone complained about the lack of help. she was in deep need for it, that was for sure.

 

the exhaustion kept her bedridden for a week and climbing. the leftover weight held her down, so she could only make a couple feet before needing to collapse again. most of that time was spent sleeping, not even able to hold her eyes open. and that was fine, except the guilt that she was sucking up resources without even being able to help with the clean-up, with the aid, with getting food and shelter, with anything.

 

laf kept her updated. often she was shaken awake by them, sitting up and offering food, something hearty like a  sandwich or oatmeal with whatever fruit they’d managed to scramble for.  _ gotta get your strength back perr.  _ she always took it with a nod and without question, knowing laf was doing everything in their power to look after her, even letting her curl up against them to get back asleep again. 

 

it’s funny; it took the whole world nearly coming down to switch roles.

 

it’s not always like that. the pain residue left migraines so awful they could turn her inside out. she curled into a ball on the bed, lights out and curtains drawn, under blankets and hands in hair to will the drill of the pain away. the times there are tears, she wakes to laf rubbing her back.

 

and it wasn’t like sleeping was easy. mostly exhaustion kicks in before she can worry, but, after this, how can she trust herself to fall into black anymore? she was scared to close her eyes. that seemed so stupid in theory but she didn’t want to ever be without light again, didn’t trust herself to fall away and not wake up a monster.

 

for it was often then, nightmares come knocking. the memories come flooding in of walking into the  newspaper room and finding a sea of red and mauled bodies and the six-foot demon with blood dripping down  it’s chin suddenly  _ coming towards her –  _

 

or the hours days months spent calling out to an empty dark and having nothing there and realizing she’s never before truly felt what being alone and helpless was like –

 

or the days when the dean had no minion to pick on so she chose perry and whispered  cruelty in her ear to what a foolish girl she was to go snooping for her news friends and that maybe she was useless to everyone but at least she was doing  _ her _ a  _ wonderful favour by helping me with my plans _ and exactly what kind of violence  _ she _ was planning to use on her friends  _ especially that junior doctor frankenstein of yours,  _ until her head is filled with so much blood and pain and torture  it’s  enough to break her down sobbing – 

 

she wakes up screaming everytime. she’s sobbing and terrified the dark will envelop her again and everytime laf is there. hands  desperately grasp onto hers and a voice over her screams,  _ perr stop it’s okay it’s okay it’s me you’re safe you’re safe,  _ until she calms down enough to crash into them, cries  buried against and fingers grasping onto old sweaters,  _ it was so dark I saw her please don’t leave please.  _

 

_ I won’t leave, I promise.  _

 

they try to hide it but perry does notice the shake in their voice, the tears hastily wiped away whenever this happens.

 

so she’s back but somehow not because the nightmares don’t stop and it doesn’t even feel like home or her.

 

it continues on like this, both perry _and_ laf wondering when it was suppose to get better. when the darkness was suppose to lift and leave them – because technically, it sort of already had. no more danger, no more evil. so why doesn’t the light come back?

 

everyone holds out for the moment it does, when they’re suppose to feel better. perry feels, sometimes, like she’s honest to god praying for it.

 

one night throws off her hope completely.

 

this dream starts off like any other. she’s back in the dark. panic starts to rise, and she’s calling for anyone to answer because she can’t be trapped again  _ she can’t.  _ her voice falls empty in the vast black, searching and searching, until, 

 

lafontaine. she sees them, their back turned, but the unmistakable red hair standing out.  _ oh thank god. _ she rushes over and soon she’s back with them, enveloped in the apple  scent and familiar arms and the safety that she knows will make it okay –  _ laf’s got her.  _

 

all it takes is her blinking and the trap sets off. laf is no longer laf and  dissipates until they’re suddenly six feet tall and cloaked in black and dripping blood and wearing a too familiar grin of  _ I have you now.  _

 

_you really think it would be that easy to get away?_

 

she’s stuck. she wants to scream and she can’t. there’s a grip around her throat that’s holding her and she doesn’t know how but she’s somehow being cracked and pried open and the dark starts to slip into her and  it’s drowning cries of  _ no no no it’s happening again she’s going to kill me please no no _

 

‘ _no!–’_

 

“ _shit_ – perr!–”

 

“no no no stop _please –”_

 

“perry, no, it’s okay you’re dreaming, hey –”

 

there’s still terror in her throat so when she sees laf’s concerned face against the backdrop of their shared room she’s sure it’s another trick and when she feels hands trying to grasp her shaking ones the nightmares scream louder  _ she’s going to take you  _ and she does everything to pull and kick away,  _ not again not again.  _

 

“ _ **no**_ _stay away stay away please! –”_

 

“perry _stop_ , hey, it’s me it’s me, what’re you –”

 

“ _stop please please don’t take me again_ _ **don’t take me –”**_

 

“ _perry!”_

 

she’s pressed to the wall and the jolt is enough to throw off her fear. she blinks back to find an equally frightened and confused lafontaine in front holding her there.

 

‘perr it’s _me_ okay?!’ laf stressed between heavy breaths ‘it’s me, I swear, you’re safe you were just dreaming..’ 

 

it takes a second, wide eyes and heavy breaths as she examined what was in front of her. the night slowly starts to fade and the room starts to come into view, the room they’d been staying in for two weeks now, and the more she looks, the worry on lafontaine does look very real.

 

‘..o-oh..’ she exhales, dropping her arms back down ‘it’s..I-I’m sorry..it’s really you?..’

 

they nodded, brow drawn ‘who else would it be?..’

 

‘I just...I..she-she..’

 

perry falls quiet. she tentatively reached out, fingers sliding against their cheek. the confusion came right off laf, melting as perry clasped their face, the pointed look trying to pull apart her best friend for something she could trust. fingertips slipped up into the short hair and pushed away the bangs, revealing their forehead. her thumb slipped up to the scar only about the length of a pinky, hidden between hairline and forehead. real. she sighed out heavy.

 

‘what?..’ laf whispered.

 

‘the scar. when...when we were eight and you climbed up to get our kite untangled from the willow tree and fell, broke your arm..’ perry answered, dragging her thumb over to feel the bump of the surgical thread.

 

‘..you remember that?..’ their voice had somehow become smaller, blinking back in disbelief. perry nodded.

 

perry nodded. she remembered perfectly; she remembered telling laf it wasn’t a big deal and they didn’t need the kite back that badly, remembers biting into her nails as she watched them climb, remembers the horrible _crunch_ of their arm when they fell, remembers speeding back to the lafontaine family home and how her best friend was grounded for a week once they got out of emergency.

 

she, however, didn’t think that was particularly wrenching to say. she meant it as a simple explanation, that it was how she could tell that this was the real laf and not a monster dressed up as them

 

so it was jarring when she saw their eyes suddenly gloss over, head ducking down and hand pressed over lips to hide the trembling. perry immediately forgot about her own fright and trauma watching shoulders start to shake, sobs threatening to break out.

 

‘oh, oh sweetheart..’ perry soothed, both hands coming up to cup under her cheeks ‘what is it? what?...’

 

lafontaine shook her off, angrily pressing their palms into their eyes to hold it all in, exhaling wet and shaky. when they could breathe right, they looked back up.

 

‘ _...I’m sorry.’_ they whispered, barely audible and breaking ‘I-I should've _seen_ it..I should've _fucking_ seen it and I _didn’t..’_

 

‘ _oh._ oh, honey, no, that’s not your fault –’

 

‘ _it is_ – god, _months,_ months this was happening and I didn’t even _notice..’_

 

‘lafontaine –’

 

‘I-I mean, there-there were _moments,_ ’ they only grew more upset, a teary tangent all on their own ‘like, I’d notice stuff was weird but not weird _enough_ to question. like, w-when I asked you – I mean..her, it, _whatever,_ a-about your grandma way back in april because it was her birthday and you always call her, but you/her said you’d forgotten to call so you’d just do it later. you’d _never_ forget about your grandma, I knew that, but I figured things had just been so crazy it was normal it’d slip your mind.’

 

‘sweetheart –’

 

‘or when we had your favourite chocolate cupcakes and I know you always make them with buttermilk, so when they tasted too light I asked you, her, and the excuse was that resources were so limited you had to just use regular milk, and I accepted it! all this _shit,_ like seeing you eat some of laura’s dark chocolate stash even though you’ve _always_ said dark was too bitter, or staying up really late when you’ve stuck to your personal curfew of nine since you were thirteen, even dogearring books after consistently believing that ruins the books integrity, _everything,_ I fucking glossed over it because it was so minimal or I just got distracted by j.p but this _whole time_ you were gone –’

 

‘ _hey.’_ perry had to grasp their face before they snowballed out of control, holding on with a hardened look ‘I _do not_ blame you for that lafontaine, so please, you can’t –’

 

‘but I blame me.’

 

perry  stopped. the words were unexpectedly loud in the eerie  quiet.

 

‘ _..I_ blame me.’ laf whispered, watery eyes level with hers ‘I helped this happen to you, I didn’t protect you, I..’

 

‘..but..but you _can’t.’_ perry argued, begged ‘..can’t..blame yourself for a _god’s_ power lafontaine. you..you didn’t see, but..I got a real look into her, into..her power, and you….she was too good, too clever, there’s no way you, no way _anyone,_ could’ve seen it coming, I promise, so don’t blame –’

 

‘you would’ve.’ 

 

perry blinked back. she didn’t know what to say to that, mostly from shock. laf was staring right at her, almost through her, with their intensity. 

 

‘..you would’ve noticed.’ they choked out, a sound similar to being gutted, growing adamant again ‘and don’t try to bullshit me on it. you would’ve seen it; if I’d started acting off, acting weird and suddenly out off character, _you_ would've noticed it. I know you would’ve. and you do too.’

 

perry still didn’t know what to say. but this time,  it’s  because she couldn’t argue. she’d always been  attuned to people. especially laf. that’s just how she was, a good heart that’d always paid attention to those around them. and if one of those others had suddenly started acting up, out of place, her concern would’ve caught that red light immediately. 

 

so she didn’t say anything. she sat there, head hanging down in defeat because laf was right. the silence became more and more awful, dampened, as she understood  there wasn’t going to be any respite. the darkness wouldn’t give them that. these scars were too big.

 

‘...lafontaine –’

 

‘you would’ve seen, and I... _I’m so sorry..’_

 

the whisper collapsed into sobbing. they broke down right in front of her, tears running down and no desire to even hide them anymore. perry didn’t even know what to do, the rarity and complete realness of what was happening in front of her. her best friend, her stronghold, relenting to a breaking heart.

 

in the end, she did what she’s always been good at. she pulls her arms around laf and holds tight, chin resting on their shoulder, teary and whispering gentle. she felt them clutch onto her, nails digging in, sobs and _I’msorryI’msorrypleaseforgivemeI’msosorryperr_ pressed against her nightshirt. she can only tell them _it’s okay it’s okay now I’m alright honey_ over and over until she feels the shaking against her stop. for this moment only, it didn’t matter that she was lying.

 

eventually, laf comes back down. exhausted and withdrawn, small to the boldness of how perry knows them. she lets them lie back and bed but they won’t let go of her hand, so she lies with them too. right beside, arms clasped around, her head under their chin and nestled against their shoulder. if this wasn’t the situation and she wasn’t also as deathly tired, she might be thinking about how intimate this was. a kind of intimate they’d never shared before. not that it was bad though, or even uncomfortable; rather, it felt calm and safe, to be this close.

 

but perry doesn’t think about that. she just lets laf fall asleep, resting against them and hearing their gentle breathing. she was so close in fact, she could hear their heart beating steady against their chest; a grounding noise that kept laf there, and helped ground her too. she swallowed tightly. she can’t hear her own. her chest felt empty, still held down by the lurking dark.

 

so, she instead, listens to laf’s heart and hopes to fall asleep.

 

-

 

in retrospect, things  _ were  _ better now. no one could really deny that.

 

even to the fact, that it didn’t actually feel like it.

 

perry could sense it. there was a lingering heaviness in the air, in the house – following them _.  _ she hadn’t really been up to chatting with everyone, but when she did spare a word or so to laura, it was always stilted. polite,  _ fine,  _ but awkward and like it was carrying something no one dared to say. she even noticed lafontaine would hardly speak to laura unless it was necessary, and whenever carmilla entered a room, laf would leave it.

 

something had happened (well, beyond the terrible doom and danger, that was a given). she wished she knew what’d gone on in the time she’d lost. lafontaine had filled her in on some stuff;  _ they dismantled the library, there was a disastrous plot involving the student board, carm’s rather evil sister was here before danny killed her, then danny was killed, the fish-god-thing enslaved people’s minds, all shit went to hell, we found the library which was also sentient, carmilla and laura broke up and then kept screwing on accident and  _ _**that** _ _ was a nightmare, laura’s dad showed up, danny became a vampire and then decided not to be one, some magic glasses and way too much research, laura challenged a death god to scrabble, the library had a door to multiple universes which would’ve been really cool if this hadn’t been the situation.. _

 

it was all rather much. possibly enough to make her glad she missed it.

 

but she still wanted to know why laura didn’t seem to want to talk to her, avoided her like the way you runaway from your mistakes. why whenever laf and carmilla had to be in the same room together, the coldness rolling off could drop temperatures, side glances looking a millimeter away from turning into snarls.

 

perry was failing to understand why. they were all here, they were all  _ safe,  _ why does anyone have to be angry with each other? they’d already lost so much. they can’t loose each other.

 

she’d soon find out why.

 

she wakes up to screaming downstairs. and not the kind belonging to danger, that they’d all become so used to. not the kind she’d been hearing lately, in her fits of sleep, when she’s awake and she can hear cries in the other bedroom, laura terrified of not being able to feel her own heartbeat and carmilla, teary, begging that her love never leave her side again, that she’d never loose her again.

 

this was angry. it was carmilla,  _ and  _ laf, alarming her already. seems like those cold looks and quiet anger had finally shattered the glass of being polite and civil. faintly, she could also hear laura, desperately calling over the shouts to reign it in with no luck.

 

she tries to get up, dragging her self from the bed to try and get to them. she can’t move very fast, a step at a time down the case, but she  _ can  _ hear it. loud and clear.

 

‘you had no idea what the hell you were doing –’

 

‘right, and you’re the one going to give me a lecture on precaution –’

 

‘we could’ve all _died!_ don’t you fucking grasp that?! it wasn’t our fault easy bake wandered off and got herself possessed but yet we would’ve all suffered the consequences anyway if you’d –’

 

‘carm that’s not –’

 

‘if I’d what?! I was the only one doing _anything!_ stop acting like you breaking our tools or napping or spouting unhelpful cynicism did anything!’

 

it didn’t take a genius to decipher that this was bad. perry did her best to hurry, calling out for lafontaine. but it fell on deaf ears, drowning in the anger shaking the house.

 

‘ _I_ wasn’t the one who kidnapped and put the _god_ out to _kill us_ into the very place we were living, and then went rogue to go and split open an _evil entity_ like she was an experiment on a petri dish! seriously, of all the damn selfish things, you’re so lucky it worked out –’ 

 

‘ _you wanna talk selfish?!_ you two are some of the most fucking selfish people I’ve met! perry was lost, we didn’t even know if she was _alive,_ j.p was stuck and wasting, silas students were trapped and all you two could give a shit about was each other!’

 

‘laf you know that’s not true –’

 

‘just-just _don’t_ laura! just because you saved perry in the end doesn’t mean I’m not still mad at you! _both_ of you, so wrapped up in your own world you didn’t care about the rest of us!’

 

‘lafontaine –’

 

perry’s trying to reach but she can’t break the storm, the rage overfiling the house. she can feel her own panic start to rise, going over her head, rising quite an upset because what were her best friends doing fighting with each other like this?

 

‘ _oh_ that’s rich because I’m sure it was _laura_ who was the one who made the deal to sacrifice herself and save everyone, _including_ your precious raggedy-ann so don’t blame _us_ because you can’t comprehend that not everyone ends with a happy ending –’

 

‘oh yeah, not everyone can have a happy ending until it’s one of you right?! until it’s laura that’s in danger and then _suddenly_ we’re doing everything possible to save her, or it’s _you_ and then we’re letting dangerous vampires into the house even if they could very well kill us, but _of course,_ trying to help perry was just _out of our league –’_

 

‘it’s because you people understand _nothing!_ you have no _idea_ what someone like her was capable of and then you just _dropped_ her into our laps and risked laura’s life and –’

 

‘guys _please –’_

 

‘no, _you_ don’t get it! all you pay attention to is your own damn peripheral and laura who’s the only one in it, that as long as she’s fine the rest of us can _rot_ for all you care!’

 

‘ _laf –’_

 

‘ _I did my part!_ I was the one who spied on my sister before _you all_ killed her, the one who drove the sword even at my own _death, I’ve done it all! you_ were the one who refused to listen to reason because you only cared about goldilocks and _you were the one who went off and abandoned us –’_

 

‘ _you two abandoned us first!!_ and yet, perry and me and everyone still backed you, the _both of you_ who were only concerned with _fucking on the desk then our friend who was missing –’_

 

‘ _guys_ _ **stop –’**_

 

‘ _honestly you’d better be careful what you say to me next you insignificant –’_

 

‘ _or what?! you’ve got no more powers and I’ve got three different weapons currently stowed on me so why don’t we see who’d actually triumph –’_

 

‘ _I’llripyourthroatout –’_

 

‘ _ **no stop! carm –’**_

 

‘ _stop it_ _ **stop!!’**_

 

perry doesn’t know how it happens but somehow she breaks through the rage and the anger and the hurt circling and before carmilla can do any damage with her hands around laf’s neck and laf can utilize the weapon pulled from their pocket she’s run in to no regard of her safety and grabbed shoulders –

 

and in a blink they’re apart. everyone stands wide-eyed and floored at perry, soft and gentle lola perry, standing right between them, in the center of the three, teary eyes and shaking.

 

‘..what do you all think you’re _doing?!’_ she demanded, surprising herself by how badly anger rattled her voice ‘ _huh?!_ what-what, I, _what’re you doing?!’_

 

silence followed; maybe from shock from her intervention, or maybe from shame by how eyes cast to the floor. it was an awful silence and it seemed nearly unbreakable, until laf spoke, their previous screams withered down to a small whisper, reaching for her hand.

 

‘perr..’

 

‘ _no!’_

 

she ripped away, not even wanting them to touch her. laf blinked back, confusion and hurt swirling. perry could only stare back, feeling so angry it was like she couldn’t even speak, hadn’t the words, had nothing except the pressure building and building and pressing on her chest.

 

‘what..lafontaine, what is this?! I-I can’t believe, I-I – how could you do this?!..’

 

this time they took a step back, brow furrowing at her.

 

‘me?..’

 

‘yes! how-how could do this to our friends?! stand here and accuse them, say such things –’

 

‘ _hey,_ I’m not the one to blame here alright?!’ they snapped, the momentary softness gone ‘look, sorry perr, but-but, you weren’t there! you don’t know _half_ the story, half of what they did –’

 

carmilla’s frozen look had twisted back into a snarl, marching over.

 

‘yeah, well, maybe orphan annie here would like to be enlightened –’

 

‘ _don’t fucking touch her –’_

 

before anything else could break out perry had grabbed onto laf to stop them, steady them, and laura had jumped in, yanking carmilla back, both trying to reign in the red their counterparts were breathing.

 

‘ _lafontaine stop this –’_

 

‘ _you don’t know!_ you, I – look, I wasn’t going to tell you perr, thought it would be better, but, you-you deserve to know,’ tears threatening earlier were now coming down, storming eyes locked onto hers and pointing towards laura and carm hovering behind ‘but they were going to let you die. they were going to kill you.’ 

 

perry didn’t know how to respond, stone expression blinking back. laura quickly jumped in, tears audible and sounding as upset as perry felt.

 

‘ _no,_ perry please, that’s not true, we wanted you back there was just no other way –’

 

‘laura it’s alright –’

 

‘ _bullshit!_ they were going to let you _die_ and _I_ was the only one who wanted to save you –’

 

‘laf that’s not _true_ and you know it –’

 

‘stop trying to play sob story, we were helping you get her back – ’

 

‘oh right, you two were working _very hard_ before giving up on her entirely!’

 

‘ _nobody_ wanted anyone dead laf – perry, please, we –’

 

‘you wanna place blame, _alright,_ how about young frankenstein here dropping a god on us and abandoning everyone else trying to stop _the end of the world –’_

 

‘ _I don’t_ _ **care!’**_

 

she’d stopped the room again. all bodies stood back, awing in shock. perry was breathing heavy, hands tangling in hair, tears smeared against cheeks.

 

‘I-I don’t! I don’t care! I don’t care who did what and who said this and who put who in danger and who did the right thing, I don’t _care! god,_ you’re all so...stupid and thickheaded!’

 

everyone shuffled back at that; eyes were cast down from her, back to the floor.

 

‘you know what I do care about?! I care that..that my best friends, some of the people I love most in the world, are-are trying to _hurt each other!_ that..that they think blaming who-whoever made the worst choice under, this, this horrific _pressure_ is more important then each other, then what we lived through – because I-I _did not_ live through the very thing trying to kill me so we could _blame each other_ for our suffering!’

 

that got them. heads came back up, sudden understanding shock coming over, guilt going over teary eyes. laf was staring at a sobbing perry and laura kept glancing between them, carmilla stone faced and withdrawn, but the hurt she was trying to hold back showing through. perry could feel herself spiraling, gasping between breaths and words breaking, desperate for them to understand.

 

‘ _I didn’t!_ I didn’t waste away for almost a year in _nothing_ with _her_ cruelty, surviving alone on the idea of coming back to the people I love, just for you to _do this to each other!_ I-I mean, don’t you get it?! don’t you understand?! we nearly lost _everything!_ I genuinely thought I had! if..if there’s anything I’ve, we’ve, learned, it’s that this is all so.. _fragile._ you can loose someone in an instant, and after all we’ve been through, we-we.. _we cannot loose each other!’_

 

perry can only hope they’ll understand that, that they know how much they’d be losing if everyone stayed mad at the other. because if there wasn’t anything she couldn’t fathom, it was taking the lessons from that terror, and then twisting them to use it to hurt the people they love. especially when, she couldn’t see another time when they needed each other more.

 

she needed her friends, even by how broken and scared and hollowed out they were.

 

still, silence permeated. no one moved an inch. perry was begging for some kind of falling together, or at least acknowledging the wounds, offering of band-aids. but they were stiff, eyes flicking to each other and then quickly moving away. no one wanted to say anything.

 

so that was it then. they were loosing everything.

 

perry felt her throat close up again, new tears threatening. she needed to get out of here, because she couldn’t stand what this nervous quiet was saying.

 

she rushed off to the nearest refuge. she could hear laf calling behind her but she didn’t stop for them, for any of them.

 

clearly, whatever she said or would say wouldn’t matter.

 

-

 

or maybe, her words simply took a while to sink in.

 

it took a couple days. neither her or laf had seen the respective couple; they’d all been avoiding each other. and not in the polite skirting of earlier, but now an outright avoidance in the horrifically quiet house. perry hated it; she was still holding out for some kind of miracle.

 

t o keep herself busy from it, she’d been trying to do chores.  she couldn’t do a lot due to her  exhaustion, but it was important to her. it gave her back, almost, a sense of normalcy; of the way things used to be, where she’d take care of her ducklings and keep it all in order. now though, if she moves around even a bit too much trying to tidy or collect laundry, she has to lie down. it was endlessly frustrating.

 

lafontaine had been trying to help by doing some of it, if not all. they weren’t very good at, notorious to leave dirty spots under the furniture or forget to mop up the water after doing the dishes, and she really had no idea who taught them to fold shirts like that. but the love was easily read in it and perry could see that.

 

and sitting on their bed while laf fed them clean laundry to fold, was where it began.

 

there was a knock on the door and even that was a surprise in of itself. laura leans in, the unmistakable dark figure of her girlfriend behind her. perry quirks her head and laf doesn’t glare but the frigidness isn’t welcoming either.

 

‘laura?..’ perry prompted.

 

‘..um, hey, guys..’ laura does her best to smile, teetering in slowly to try and ease through the resistance (that was mostly coming off laf).

 

‘what is it?’

 

‘well, um, okay – carm and I, we, we had to go back down to the crater, to uh..to pick up..what-whatever was left..’ carmilla, who’d slid quietly up behind, put a hand over laura’s shoulder, leveling eyes with lafontaine _‘but_ , uh, when we down there, there was something that, well, that you guys should see – that perry should see..’

 

laf stiffened. perry’s brow perked up, wondering what clean-up and body collection had to do with her. saying nothing, carmilla began walking to the sweater-clad girl, not bowing to laf’s steel,  _ try-anything-and-regret-it _ glare. 

 

‘..you can take out the weapons from up your sleeve, einstein.’ she muttered, just a mix of joking and not, and stopping in front of perry to address her ‘..I believe you’re missing something.’

 

perry could only blink up at the brunette and watch her lift up a closed fist. laf flinched with wide-eyes and laura looked ready to blurt out a  _ laf, wait!  _ but carmilla’s fingers unfurled beforehand and something dropped down. 

 

an amber chain swung through the air and though it was dusty from rubble the david’s star emblem glinted right under the light.

 

perry gasped and stood up way faster then was probably good for her. gently, she put her fingertips under the emblem, as if grasping too hard would break the miracle in her hand. laf, beside her, also dropped into shock and from across the room, laura bit back her smile.

 

‘my-my necklace..’ she stuttered, carmilla letting it drop into her hand ‘how-how did you..’

 

carmilla shrugged in her perfectly non-chalant way – like she hadn’t just performed a miracle, like she hadn’t just given perry a piece of her back to herself.

 

‘we had to go back down to, you know, see if there were..any more body counts, and there it was, glinting underneath some rubble.’ she revealed, gesturing to the necklace ‘I guess..I guess she discarded it once she had no more need to..well, pretend to wear you as the disguise..’

 

‘but we knew you uh, you wore the thing like it was glued to your neck, so we figured it had to be of some importance that you’d want it back, so...here you go..’

 

some importance was one way to say it. perry hadn’t parted with it since she was thirteen, and her grandmother had taken it off her own neck to give to her. it’d been a beautiful  heirloom perry had associated with her grandmother that’d been given to her by  _ her mother,  _ and now she wanted to give this special piece to her granddaughter. not to her own daughter, perry’s mother, or even her eldest granddaughter, perry’s sister, but to  _ her,  _ handed over with the special love and attention she’d always given the young girl that’d made them so close. it was a piece of her, and she’d been more then devastated to learn it was gone. 

 

‘to speak lightly.’ laf spoke up, fully aware of the backstory of the necklace and how long it’d been around. they looked over to laura, not smiling yet, but close by how they’d softened ‘..thanks frosh.’

 

_ frosh  _ hadn’t surfaced for a long time since the events, and you could see laura almost brighten to it. rather though, she furrowed back. 

 

‘I didn’t do anything.’ she replied, glancing over to her girlfriend ‘carm found it.’

 

well that changes things. silent shock goes through the room, both redheads looking, gaping, to carmilla who already looked uncomfortable with the attention.

 

‘look, it’s whatever, I –’

 

perry couldn’t stop herself from leaping forward, arms thrown around the once vampire. she felt the body stiffen but it didn’t stop her from squeezing tight, tears leaking out, doing her all to convey her gratitude. beside them, laura started smiling away, laf included. perry got in a couple good seconds before carmilla hastily wiggled away, pushing down the freckled arms.

 

‘alright alright, no need to get mushy on me easy bake – I know that’s your thing..’ she muttered, wearing that frumpled, _I’m-above-this-gross-friendship-stuff_ look she’d perfected, making a knowing glance circle around the other three. they’d all seen her try to seem like she was simply cold walls and nothing more, despite evidence literally lying in perry’s hands right now.

 

‘I-I’m sorry..’ perry cleared her throat, finger pawing at the jewelry curled in her palm ‘you-you just don’t know..how much this..’

 

‘I think I have an idea..’

 

perry looked back up. it was odd to see carmilla without her usual sarcasm, without the attitude of ‘I could care less’ defense built up. but she met perry’s eyes steady, open; she couldn’t say she got it, what perry’s gone and  _ going  _ through. what she was doing was at least acknowledging the hurt, and the mistakes.

 

they really couldn’t loose each other.

 

she left it at that, turning and stepping over the empty laundry basket back to laura. she passed lafontaine as she did, and the seconds seemed to slow a little,  much like how a scene slows before something big takes place. laf wasn’t looking her in the eye as she walked, nervously staring at their shoes, but just as carmilla made it by, their head whipped up. 

 

‘ey..’

 

they stuttered, almost unsure, though loud enough for carmilla to hear and catch her attention. which it did, making her turn back to the second redhead, staring right back into ice blue eyes. there was a period of silence, waiting, both laura and perry holding their breath. then, carmilla scoffed softly, the corner of her mouth twitching up.

 

‘ey yourself einstein..’

 

they two of them didn’t need sorrys, perry guessed. not totally surprising, for two people who’d rather pull out their hair then talk about their feelings. the look, finally without the malice of glares and instead kinder in understanding, spoke it. carmilla left it at that, turning back to quietly slip out the bedroom. laura smiled over at the redheads, hand on the doorhandle,

 

‘well, we’ll see you guys..’

 

she started pulling the door but laf cut her off, stepping forward.

 

‘laura..I’m..’

 

she stalled, looking back at them and the words they couldn’t quite say, though somehow understood in the desperate expression. her smile pulled up again, this time softer.

 

‘I know..’ she assured ‘we are too..’

 

neither laf or laura could see it because of how perry was positioned behind them, but she smiled so bright watching them.

 

that was all that could be said, for now anyway. laura shuts the door after, off to catch up to carmilla. and lafontaine will sit back down on the bed with her to fold the clothes, comfortable in the silence and busy in thought. the four of them will have lots more to do to smooth out the cracks and chips in the foundation, but better to start somewhere.

 

all perry’s glad for, is that she hasn’t lost everything she was fighting to come back for.

 

-

 

she’s been standing at the mirror for over twenty minutes.

 

it’s her reflection that’s throwing her off. she’s standing in the washroom with the towel wrapped around her body, having meant to turn on the dial for the shower forever go.

 

she’s just having trouble with this one obstacle.

 

when the dean had taken over her body, she really had taken it whole. in the dark place perry hadn’t even that; no body, no nothing, she was just...there, in the dark. only present through her soul, she couldn’t even look at herself because there wasn’t anything there. she was, quite literally, nothing.

 

_small girl. you are nothing._

 

so, it made sense that when she came back, she hardly felt like she was here at all.

 

you don’t come back into yourself after that so easily.

 

and it was a weird feeling to feel like you were here but not here at the same time. now she knew the impermanence of herself, of a person, and it was impossible to even feel her own grounding.

 

perry quietly reached out, a hand extended to the mirror. she placed her fingertips over the cold glass, over her reflection. she pulled them across where her face was reflected, trying to grasp, instead leaving smudges behind. it was just cold, empty material. nothing. not there.

 

she brought her hand back, fingers on her cheek, dragging over.  it should be a comfort, the warmth, the  presence that she could actually  _ feel.  _ there.

 

it’s not enough.

 

she then pulls the towel away, off of her so it falls and pools on the floor. and stares, stares at the marks and the imprints and the scars.

 

her fingers drag over her stomach, over the cuts, the ugly jagged claiming. she’d only been back two days when she saw it. she barely had energy to stand, so lafontaine was helping her change clothes, and before she could slip on the sweater burrowed off of laura she saw. she saw the lines that only could’ve been done by a knife’s edge carved into her body and the panic in her chest expanded so that she couldn’t breathe.

 

‘ _lafontaine..what-what is..I don’t understand..’_

 

‘ _shit, perr, I..’_

 

‘ _what_ happened _tell me what happened –’_

 

‘ _I..I’m sorry, I’m sorry,..she..I’m so sorry..’_

 

perry had no choice but to believe it, especially as she fell apart, into them, sobbing. it was enough _she_ stole her from herself. it was enough she was left alone to waste in an empty void. it was enough _she_ whispered poison in her ear and brought upon a terror previously unimaginable. at least, now that it was over, she could’ve been done with it all.

 

instead, she’d been claimed. she’d been marked. she’d been cut up and wiped over and scrubbed out. used.

 

perry’s hand grew shaky as she drew it over the incisions, her throat closing in. the question still stands, how she was suppose to come back to herself when she’d been sliced up to someone else’s liking? starting to become sick feeling the bumps of the cut in the form of latin letters, she raised her arms, crossing them, fingers digging into her upper arms.

 

this wasn’t her first rodeo with scars, per say. just ones that were permanent. the others of her younger years had always faded. she’d been the perpetrator, fits of anxiety spiraling from worry to panic and breathing too fast and then nails would latch onto arms and drag down, creating angry pink lines –

 

like right now. perry felt herself latching on and nails sinking through skin and part of her wants to say  _ you’re not thirteen anymore _ but the pain was a familiar catharsis. letting the anxiety and the panic leak out, almost cleansing herself in a way – become  _ clean.  _

 

_but this is why mom and dad brought you to the psychologist. why they got you to go on medication. so you wouldn’t do this again. so you wouldn’t embarrass everyone again. do you want to go back to being crazy, being a weirdo –_

 

_small girl. nothing._

 

her eyes are becoming blurry and she’s digging in deeper, slashes bred across pale skin. she looks to the cuts on her stomach and then she has nails pressing against  that too, prying, making her hiss at the sting from the cuts that went too deep. she doesn’t stop, making a mess of swipes with tears coming down and heavy breaths she can’t control, willing to make it go away, make it better,  _ clean it just get it out –  _

 

she can’t. she can’t get rid of the evidence that she was abused and mutilated and the evil that was  suppose to be  _ out of her _ was still here, still in her.

 

she drops it, hands sinking into her hair and a sob slipping out. she bowed, curling into herself, another falling apart evident. she was close to sinking to the floor until, in the mirror, she sees the open shower.

 

of course.

 

she rushes across, hastily turning on the tap. she doesn’t wait for the water to settle before getting in, stepping under the showerhead and slamming the sliding door closed. she’s breathing too fast. her hand slips against the tap, turning it to the red; the water was already warm but she needs it hotter. she grabs the liquid soap, some fresh lemon thing laf uses, and puts it over her – over her arms, over her stomach, over the scars and the ugly mess because it’ll make it go away, it’ll make her clean she just needs it _clean._

 

the water is too hot. it’s scalding, steam everywhere. perry doesn’t notice. she needs it hot because that’ll get rid of everything. she’s taken a washcloth she earlier laid on the tub rim, scrubbing against her skin, over the scars, too hard. suds slide down her stomach, over her thighs, everywhere – but it doesn’t work. she keeps pressing the wet, soapy cloth into her but it doesn’t wash the cuts away, doesn’t cleanse the cruelty of what’d happened to her.

 

perry’s sobbing. she’s gasping, willing, _begging,_ that when she looks down she’ll find _herself_ and not tracings of the nightmare she wants to forget. she yanks on the tap again for hotter water. shaking hands washing and cleaning but it won’t go away. her skin is red from the boiling water. it _hurts._ but perry ignored the screaming sting she can feel all over her body, still scrubbing. she just has to keep trying. it’ll work. she knows it. this is what she does, she cleans things and then it’s okay again.

 

the cloth isn’t working. she drops it, resorting to fingers, nails, dragging over again, making white slashes into the pink skin. she can hardly see through the tears blurring everything. it’ll be okay again it’ll _be okay she just has to get clean she wants to be clean –_

 

perry pries and pries and scrapes until she makes nicks of blood but nothing happens, the scars stay and now her skin is burning and she’s made more cuts and she’s a _mess_ and she realizes she’ll never be clean again she’s always going to be dirty and tainted and that _she’ll_ always be here no matter what she tries –

 

she isn’t sure what happened after that. the next thing she knows is that suddenly she’s curled up sitting on the tub floor and she can’t stop crying. she must’ve been in there a long time because then laf’s here. laf’s turning off the water, a shaking, gentle voice in her ear as they help her out, wrapping a towel around her securely. laf’s crying too, but they brush it away, helping her instead.

 

after they sit on the bed, her in a towel and over that was a duvet, laf letting her rest against their side. their hand is warm against her back. they keep asking if she wants to put on clothes, warmer layers; that they can help her put them on again if she’s too tired.

 

but perry doesn’t want that. she wraps the towel tighter around herself, shaking her head.

 

‘ _I don’t want you to see me.’_

 

laf doesn’t say anything,  respond,  except that perry sees them brush the cuff of their s leeve under their eyes again.  instead, they just keep rubbing her back until she stops crying.

 

-

 

besides being her listening ear, her errand getter, and overall crutch, lafontaine was also helping perry so she doesn’t completely wither on her own at home.

 

it wasn’t overly interesting in the house. if perry had enough energy, there was little she could do to bide her time. she did continue to try to help around by putting away clothes or doing dishes, but she couldn’t do any of it for long before she had to lie down again. and in those moments, sure she was tired, but not enough to sleep, so all she gets to do is lie listlessly and give empty stares up to the ceiling. 

 

long story short, it was boring. and she was craving something to do that wasn’t going to completely drain her.

 

meaning, it was a blessing when lafontaine came back into their shared room from an outing, carrying a large stack of books wobbling in their arms.

 

perry had always been a veracious reader. she read all the time as a child if she wasn’t with laf or helping her baby brother, spent long hours in libraries and excelled in her english classes while laf often had to copy off her notes because they couldn’t be bothered with boring stuff like plot-lines and symbolism.

 

there were little books in the house, but apparently the town had it’s own library. laf had gone and purged it, laying the stack on the bed next to a gobsmacked perry.

 

‘ _lafontaine, what..–’_

 

‘ _well since you talked about how it was boring enough around here to come out of your skull, I thought, uh, you know...books!..’_

 

‘ _you got all these for me?..’_

 

‘ _yeah!...uh, I wasn’t totally sure what to get though, so um, I just got a whole bunch of your favourites, so, I hope that’s okay..–’_

 

they’d been cut off by her grasping the side of their face and placing a kiss on their cheek. she was just so taken with the gesture she hardly noticed the look of pure surprise, and the red blooming over them.

 

‘ _honey..thank you so much..’_

 

‘ _..h-hey, it-it’s whatever, no big deal, I’ll uh, leave you to it...’_

 

they’d managed to score about twenty books. lots of her beloved stories;  _ little women, anne of green gables,  _ plenty of austen too. she’s quick to set herself up, diving immediately into the tales she loved and knew better then the back of her own hand.

 

she goes through a few in a matter of days; guess she really had been going out of her skull. by the  second  week  after receiving them  she was on her third, which happened to be sylvia plath’s  _ the bell jar.  _

 

she had an odd affair with this one. perry had never really been one for sad stories,  preferring something sentimental or a good laugh. but something had pulled at her when she read it, originally, at fourteen, finding some kind of solace in esther’s feeling of being lost, of being stuck in your own head that  you  sometimes felt like you couldn’t control,  that  couldn’t contain the harmful thoughts.

 

and now, as she read it, she found herself reflected back more and more. it was hard not to, considering what had happened to her, what she’d been going through. she suddenly knows what it’s like to be anywhere, and yet still you’re withering under the bell jar, under the melancholy. when esther described the want of slipping away from this earth, of just escaping the dark and the hurt that seems would never give up the haunt, perry finds a residence in how simple that would be. and it scares her.

 

she couldn’t. lafontaine, that would absolutely crush them, especially after all they went through to get her back. and her grandmother who would only blame herself for it, even her baby brother who wouldn’t be able to understand where his big sister had gone, she couldn’t do that to them.

 

she’s up late one night to finish the book. she’s right at the end, at the last chapter where esther is attending the funeral of her friend who had committed suicide, after trying to do so herself. nestled in the quiet of the bedroom and light of the single bedside lamp, perry pays close attention to the passage; of the description where esther looks out to the cemetery plot, the many many bodies gone and buried, and then to the new plot where her friend would be laid forever more, dead to the world she couldn’t take anymore. perry wasn’t totally sure why but she felt her throat closing up, stinging around her eyes, but she tries to keep going to finish. and then she hits the line –

 

_I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am._

 

perry stops. something strikes her, sure and powerful. she stares and stares at the line, feeling more tears gathering. suddenly, as if on it’s own volition, her hand slid from where it was grasping the book and moved over her chest, right where her heart was.

 

she inhales sharply. there. she can feel it, the heart beat, repeating over and over again. _ I am, I am, I am. _

 

she’s been scarred and written over. scrubbed away and cut up. stolen. destroyed to nearly the point she was unrecognizable to herself.

 

but this, the repeated  drum perry can feel under her fingers.  _ she _ hadn’t taken this.

 

this was hers.

 

she hastily gets up, pushing off the bed. if she stayed she’d surely wake up lafontaine who was slumbering deeply beside her. she marches out to the washroom and quickly shuts the door.

 

she barely has time to think before the sobs break out, her head falling in her hands. her back finds the wall and she slinks down, curling up on the ground. she wasn’t entirely sure  _ why  _ she was crying; she knows it’s not exactly the same tears as before. still, she stays curled up there, tears pouring out until she can breathe again.

 

she manages to crawl back into bed later, laying down on her back next to laf. she then lays her hand over her chest again, feeling her heart beating through.

 

she doesn’t sleep the rest of the night.

 

-

 

by the fifth week, the sky had cleared up.

 

it’d been raining for ages, a sky chalk full of grey and gloom. or sometimes it wouldn’t even rain, just overcast, blocking any light behind. the celebration of saving the world were over and it was like the universe knew, wanted to fit the tune of the fallout after.

 

perry really hadn’t been paying attention. she only had energy to shlump past windows on her way to the washroom or to lay on the bed. there was a lingering grey inside the house already; guessed it made sense for the weather to copy it.

 

but she notices the day there’s sunlight.

 

there’s a shift. she can feel it almost immediately. the blackness never goes but it  _dims_ , if just a shade. she rolls over on the bed that’s missing lafontaine and notices, there’s light pressing through the drawn window curtains.

 

gasping, she sits up immediately and makes herself woozy. it takes a bit to get her aching muscles moving, dragging herself slowly, if not hurriedly, across the bedroom. she’ll collapse onto the wall, grasping onto the window frame and ripping open the curtains –

 

sunlight.  _sunlight._ it’s yellow and bright and happy. it’s beaming down on them and it’s chasing out the dark. she never thought she’d see it again. 

 

before even thinking it over, she’s rushing to get downstairs. she still can’t move as fast as she wants, has to take the steps one at a time, but she knows she needs to get outside. she  _has_ to.

 

it takes about five full minutes to reach the main floor. she drags herself to the front door, throwing it open and filling the doorway with light. the air is warm and she can feel it already.  _it’srealit’srealit’sreal –_

 

the house had a massive lawn out on the front of it, a wide-spread of grass and foliage all to them as it was the sole residence along the street. perry, gripping the frame, stepped over and onto the concrete. she hadn’t been out since she’d come back to the world, as she hadn’t the strength for it.

 

she tentatively steps across the grey walkway, and once she had a handle on herself, made her way onto the grass. it was squishy underneath her feet, and still damp from days of rain. she’d always, previously, hated going barefoot, even as a kid; hated how the grass blades stuck to her feet and dirt got between her toes. now she flexes her toes, soaking in the feeling and the very real dirt, her throat closing up.

 

she carefully makes her way out further onto the law, until she’s directly in the line of the sun. she tilts her head back, blinking back at the big glowing ball of  _bright_ in the sky, a feeling somehow like it shouldn’t be there. she’s wearing a long sleeve shirt but even still, she can  _feel it._ she can feel the sunrays gentle and warm on her skin, across her cheeks  down  to her barefeet,  being graced by the light she’d been away from for so long.  stuck in that place that was cold and empty, to the point after endless weeks all she could feel was black, was  _nothing,_ left to shrivel away under it. 

 

to where she was sure she’d never feel light on her skin again – ever feel, again.

 

tears pour down and she wilts. she presses her palms against her eyes, trying to swallow  them without success. she can’t. she can’t because she’s  _here_ and there’s the sunlight and she’s able to soak in the warmth again. 

 

once the tears siphon off, she slows down and sits down on the lawn, directly under the sun. exhausted from the rushing downstairs and having her emotions shaken so roughly, she lies back, eyes glued to the sky; since she’d been asleep all day, the sun was starting to head down now, sinking below the skyline but causing nice arrays of amber and yellow.

 

it was beautiful. she felt like she could lie there and stare at it forever.

 

and she did, existing there in the light and grass and the fact that what was around her really was. ten minutes, twenty minutes, half-an-hour, it didn’t really matter. she didn’t want to get up. she was content in the quietness, the softness of the wind occasionally blowing over and the warm that was soaking through her.

 

almost a full hour later, she starts to hear quiet shuffling of shoes in long grass. there’s no one else for miles so she has no reason to worry, not even bothering to lift her eyes from the clear sky. it gets closer until stopping near her head. she leans her head to the side, expecting lafontaine – rather, laura stood over her, phone in hand and giving a half-smile.

 

‘...sorry. didn’t mean to interrupt your...moment of peace. laf was just blowing up my phone ‘cause they couldn’t find you, so I told them I saw you sitting outside and that I’d, um..check, to see if everything’s cool..’

 

perry nodded, slowly. she brought her arms up, palms dug into the squishy dirt to sit back up.

 

‘of course. I..I’m sorry, to cause such a stir, I just..just..’ she glances back out the green space, to the sun setting, still unable to shake away the mesmerized feeling ‘just had to come see...it-it’s finally light outside..’

 

laura followed her gaze, a brighter smile coming on, not far from the same delighted awe perry was wearing.

 

‘yeah, I know – it’s actually..really nice..’ she agreed, settling down on the grass beside her ‘..you know, walled up in a dark underground library for so long..it really makes you miss the super mundane stuff like outside air or grass under your feet or...yeah, the sun..’

 

perry nods again, eyes cast out ‘I just...I never thought I’d forget..what  _light_ looks like, the warmth..but, darkness does have a  permanence to it...’ 

 

she takes a deep breath as she watches out, trying to swallow down new tears, and didn’t immediately notice laura staring at the side of her head. until she makes a hollow laugh, shaking her head as she smiles thinly.

 

‘god, that was so..stupid – here I go, complaining about being in a comfortable and...semi-safe library with my friends, and _you_ perr, you’ve been spending months in some ungodly black dimension with no one but the _dean,_ but god no, poor laura and her friends eating chocolate bars from the vending machine –’

 

‘no, laura no..’ perry reached across to stop the ranting, fingers pressing over her arm ‘don’t do that – there’s..there’s no contest to suffering. I’m sure that was hard on all of you, and especially...especially..’

 

‘what?..’

 

perry swallowed roughly. she didn’t even know how to begin with this; what do you say, to the person that saved your life?

 

‘...lafontaine told me what you did..’ she brought her hand down to grip around laura’s wrist, words breaking at the edges ‘...laura you shouldn’t have done that..’

 

and laura, of course because she’s laura hollis, only shrugs, a shaky but true smile on her.

 

‘..I wanted to.’ she answers, looking down to pretend to pick grass ‘I..I got everyone into this mess – I...I caused what happened to you..’

 

‘no, no laura you didn’t – you-you _saved_ everyone..’ 

 

the blonde sighed deep, eventually bringing eyes back up to perry’s. perry suddenly saw how heavy they were, how tired. they weren’t defeated but gone was the bright, optimistic light of that cheery freshman she met oh-so-long ago.

 

‘I guess..I’m dueling both sides..’ she realizes, shrugging again ‘but I still caused what happened to you, in a round-a-bout way; ended up doing all this stuff, losing danny, losing _you,_ you know, all these important, amazing people in our lives – _I_ did that, and I should’ve been the one paying for it, not you guys...’

 

‘gosh, laura, don’t say that..’ perry reached out, taking both her hands, noticing the new shine over the brown eyes ‘don’t say that about yourself..’

 

‘it’s true though..’

 

‘..but I’m not important, to anyone.’ perry argued, no self-applied sympathy in the words ‘you, laura, you’re..you’re brave and you’re smart and..you-you keep this whole thing going – you’re important. and people need you here..’

 

‘you’re important to laf.’ laura furrowed ‘they love you so much it’s unfathomable. when you were gone..they were miserable – it was like..a whole limb had come off them. a perry shaped one.’

 

perry almost laughed at that; laura was laura, to the very bottom of it, even after a traumatic, ending of the world nearly happening.

 

‘and stop trying to say you’re not important. I mean, yeah, I haphazardly put myself in charge and whatever, but..you know..being some smart leader doesn’t mean anything when you’re scared and miserable and the world’s falling apart and all you want besides your dad is one of your best friend’s really good hugs and signature brownies that have those caramel bits and marshmallows you love...’

 

now, perry finally laughs. quiet and wet, finally lifting off some weight. laura was even able to smile back, making the same shaky laugh.

 

‘..sure, we were able to keep ourselves from being killed, mostly, and were able to stop the dean’s plans, but were we able to look after ourselves? _barely._ ’ laura rolled her eyes at it all, getting another small laugh in return ‘and it sure would've been nice to have someone there to hand out treats and help us out ‘cause we’re idiots who don’t know how to do self-aid..’ 

 

perry lifted her head, her smile, back up to laura. their fearless leader was beaming back, teary eyes and everything.

 

‘..we’re a team for a reason you know..’

 

perry didn’t know how much she needed to hear that – but if the new tears and her heart softening said anything, it was a lot.

 

‘yes, I guess we are...’

 

‘you know, I just kinda realized how long you’ve been gone..’ laura remarked, wiping under her eyes and lips turning up ‘I’ve missed you perr..’

 

‘oh, laura, I’ve missed you too – I’ve missed all of you..’

 

before anyone knew it, perry’s arms were outstretching and laura was diving over, arms eagerly wrapping around the other. the redhead held on tight, feeling so glad after the time of estranged silence and distance between that felt like miles, it was mended. laura seemed to as well, squeezing back, pressing her smile into perry’s shoulder.

 

‘that’s it, those’re the hugs I’m talking ‘bout..’

 

perry can’t help laughing again, feeling laura giggle against her after. they separated, still smiling, fingers clutching each other’s wrists.

 

‘I guess..’perry sighed to collect herself ‘we should head back inside, before causing a greater worry and getting lafontaine to take matters into their own hands..’

 

laura chuckled, moving onto her knees to rise back up ‘yeah, probably shouldn’t keep them waiting; even carm’s starting to do the over-protective-hovering-where-are-you-going, thing..’

 

‘yes, well,’ perry stands up, brushing off her jeans ‘considering you are in a romantic relationship, and how much she loves you, I’d be surprised to learn any different..’

 

there was an amused scoff.

 

‘then considering laf’s twice as bad as carm, how does that excuse their behaviour?’

 

thrown, perry whips her head up to laura. she raises her brow to the confusion, wiggling it a little bit. perry was shocked enough she could only stutter, barely gluing together words.

 

‘but..laf and I, that-that’s..different, we’re not – I mean, I don’t...’

 

laura rolls her eyes lovingly, a look on as if she knew something perry didn’t.

 

‘yeah, okay, sure perr..’ she said, jostling her arm ‘c’mon, let’s go back.’

 

laura started to walk up, leaving perry to blubber. not wanting to be left behind however, she quickly hurried back to her friend, leaving that conversation behind.

 

sure enough, getting back into the house, lafontaine was already there in the doorway.

 

but perry decided to put that behind her too.

 

-

 

perry was stalling.

 

it was a matter of now or never. she eventually just had to get it done with. she was holding her phone in her hands, on the floor and back against the bed, staring down the contact on her screen that read ‘mom.’

 

taking a deep breath, she bit the bullet and pressed the name. she anxiously held the phone to her ear, her free hand tugging at her hair, pulling on the ringlets, a habit she’d formed since she was a child. it rings for quite a long time she thinks, until,

 

‘hello?’

 

perry inhaled too quick, pressing her lips together. she had to swallow so she could speak.

 

‘mom..’

 

‘ _oh._ oh, well...this is certainly a surprise..’

 

it  _was_ said with complete surprise, and something that wasn’t coldness, but the words were sharp at the end. and immediately, perry knows something has happened.

 

‘mom, I-I...I’m sorry for not calling..–’

 

‘me too. really, when you said you couldn’t be bothered with us anymore, I was genuinely surprised that you followed up on that..’

 

‘ _wh-what..’_

 

‘what do you mean what?’

 

‘I-I don’t..I..’

 

‘you don’t _remember?_ you don’t remember suddenly stopping answering our calls, telling your father and I that you were too busy to talk to us or even to your brother who was distraught when he couldn’t hear from you, that you had essentially outgrown us?’

 

perry can’t say anything. shock holds her words down. of course she doesn’t remember that – mostly to the fact that it makes no sense. her family was the world to her,  her kind parents, her baby brother she’d been watching and helping since he was born, everyone. no way would she want to distance herself. that only means –

 

_she_ did it. that would be why perry had no memory of it. perry squeezed her eyes shut, new tears brought of anger and frustration and great upset. this was it; she’d been taken, she’d been mutilated, and now, this demon had destroyed her in the last possible way. by hurting her family, by making them believe she’d ever want to cut off their love.

 

‘...are you still there?’

 

‘ _mom,’_ perry breathes out heavy, tears breaking up her voice ‘I..I’m _sorry,_ please, I didn’t mean any of those things..’

 

‘..well I should hope not. they were rather hurtful, after all..’

 

perry swallowed sharply. she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to keep going. 

 

‘..I just don’t understand it lola. you’ve..you’ve always been….but now, the last time I spoke with you, it was like I was talking to a stranger – what’s going on?..’ 

 

perry sighs because she can’t explain like she desperately wants. she wants to much to say it wasn’t her.  tell her mother she was stolen, that a monster, a  _demon,_ tried to speak for her. that she could never speak that kind of poison her mother had been fed. 

 

‘I...I’m sorry, I’m so sorry mom, I don’t know what happened – b-but please, I’d never do this, I-I love you and dad and lenny, I was just...lost...’ 

 

there’s a long silence. perry’s counting her breaths, trying to hold onto them, because she knows the moments hanging in the balance.waiting for an answer of whether she’d be forgiven or if the tragedy she’d undergone had made her loose nearly everyone she loves. would it fray the rope, would it break. 

 

there’s a sigh ‘….alright. I guess I understand, even if you don’t want to say what it was. but before anything else though, you should call your grandmother..’ 

 

perry’s stomach caved in. 

 

‘ _what..’_

 

‘well, since you’ve developed some kind of amnesia, she was calling you too of course, as she always does, and you gave her the same cold shoulder.’

 

no. no no no no. perry wanted to collapse all together thinking her grandmother thinks she’d cut her out like that. she swallows down sobs she can feel breaking through, knowing this has to be mended.

 

‘oh god..oh god bubbe – I-I just, I have to talk to her mom, I have to go..’

 

her mother lets her go, on tentative terms at the least. perry quickly dials for her grandmother, even more desperate for the answer at the end of endless ringing –

 

‘hello?’

 

perry couldn’t speak for a second after hearing the voice. her heart cracked and tears stung, forcing her to squeeze her eyes shut again, hand pressed to her trembling lips.

 

‘...hello? is anyone there?..’

 

‘ _bubbe..’_

 

there was a gentle gasp on the other line.

 

‘..my, my goodness, I wasn’t expecting this..’

 

perry’s trying to get a hold of herself, taking in a breath that was shaky and wet.

 

‘bubbe, it-it’s me...it..it’s lola..’

 

‘yes, I know dear..’

 

_no, you don’t_ perry wanted to say.  _it’s me this time, it’s really me, I promise._

 

or, it was mostly her, anyway.

 

‘..I have to say, it is good to hear your voice again my dear..’

 

perry bit into her cries, trying to keep her collapse inwards.

 

‘ _..yours too..’_ she gasped, brushing away droplets ‘I-I’m sorry, I-I should've called sooner..’ 

 

‘..that’s alright, I knew you would eventually..’

 

‘you-you did?..’

 

‘yes. your mother..she was rather upset by what had happened, and truthfully..so was I. but, I knew you’d come back. I knew it. I told your mother, I said, ‘that’s not my granddaughter. it’s not. she loves her family far too much. it’s not my lola.’ what ever had happened to..make you say such things, I knew, wouldn’t last, and you’d come back to us.’

 

with that, the cracks snapped and she came down. perry allowed herself to cry, tears streaming down, sweater cuffed fingers barely able to hold back the cries on her lips. her grandmother knew; even if she couldn’t actually know what’d happened, she knew before anyone else had figured it out, that that wasn’t her. she never gave up hope that’d she come back; that she knew perry loved them all too much to simply throw them away.

 

‘..oh, now, don’t cry my dear..’

 

‘ _I’m sorry..’_ perry pleaded, her breakdown evident through her words ‘I-I’m _so sor-sorry._ e-even for doing that, I..I never meant it..I..I don’t know how it...or what..happened, I-I just.. _I lost..–’_

 

‘it’s okay, it’s alright honey. sometimes...sometimes we loose ourselves when we’re out finding ourselves, hm? you’re getting older, you’re trying to figure out your life, and we make mistakes. it’s not an easy time in your life. I understand..’

 

all perry could do was nod, constraining her cries and wiping tears as they came. no one could ever truly get it but just hearing the words of comfort, her grandmother’s gentle calm she’s known all her life, was enough to help cleanse the pain of what’d happened.

 

‘...I’m still sorry bubbe..’

 

‘I know dear. don’t be so hard on yourself.’

 

‘can..can you forgive me?..’

 

‘of course I forgive you. what kind of grandmother would I be if I gave up on you like that?’

 

perry sighed out. her chest felt a little less constricted  _‘..thank you..’_

 

her grandmother hummed back, sighing thoughtfully ‘...that’s the nice thing, after all. because sometimes, even when we go through terrible things, and we loose our footing  trying  to find out who we are, we always have the people around us to help. I know you have your good friend susan – you two have been tied to the hip since, well, forever! and I know, you were telling me some time ago all about your little friends there – you have them..’ 

 

perry sighed out, fingers going around her necklace, pressing the pendent between her fingertips.

 

_we’re a team for a reason you know._

 

‘..yes, I do..’

 

‘your mother..she’s a little sensitive – but she’s your _mother,_ and I know she’ll come around in time. she loves you too much, her and your father both do.’

 

‘I hope they do..’

 

‘trust your grandmother. and..you’ll always have me, you know that, don’t you?’

 

perry nods tightly even if her grandmother can’t see it, fingers gripping around her necklace.

 

‘I-I do..I love you bubbe..’

 

‘I love you too sweatheart. you’ll always be my lola, even through the changes..’

 

after she’d finally hung up the phone, perry crawled into bed, too exhausted to do anything else. she curls up in the sheets, into herself. her hand was still wrapped around her necklace, hearing her words of her grandmother over and over, of the love, tears staining her pillow.

 

she didn’t let go of it even as she fell asleep, the fist pressed against her chest. and again, just faintly, she could feel the beat of her heart against her knuckles.

 

-

 

it was time to take things into her own hands.

 

perry was tired of sitting around the house, of wandering around in her own melancholy and  listlessness. she was  realizing that  she was not going to  magically  feel better if she didn’t do anything. she was not going to feel like herself unless she took herself  _back._

 

so she starts at her basics, with something she knows she can’t mess up. she asks lafontaine, who’s going out with laura on their weekly trip to get groceries, to pick her up some things. she didn’t miss them lighting up once they saw what was on the list.

 

‘ _you’re...you’re baking again?..’_

 

she didn’t want to install too much false hope too soon – she hadn’t done this in months and she wasn’t even sure she could remember the recipe – so she just quickly nods with a ‘let me know what you find’ before rushing off.

 

to her surprise, they were able to come back with every single ingredient they’d actually found in the store of the small town. guess this means she really couldn’t back out.

 

but still, she’s determined.

 

by evening, she’d sets herself up in the kitchen she hasn’t even touched since being here. she’s putting everything out, trying to find all the measuring devices and bowls, attempting to be organized. laf’s standing by the counter, hoping probably to seem nonchalant but it didn’t work with how nervously they watched perry buzz around.

 

‘so, uh, you’re really doing this tonight?’

 

‘well that’s the hope..’ she sighs, stacking the bowls into one group.

 

‘okay, well, uh, you-you want help?’ laf offered, eyes going over the sacks of ingredients ‘I can do some mixing, or, um, some separating of eggs..’

 

‘no.’ perry held up her hand, grasping onto them ‘n-no thank you, I can’t..’

 

‘you..can’t?..’

 

‘I have to do this on my own..’ she explained, looking to them, secretly pleading for them to understand ‘I have to be able to remember..’

 

laf was silent at first, the intense look calculating and sussing out the situation. perry expected them to protest more, as stubborn as they are. so she was surprised when they began inching back.

 

‘..alright, that’s fair. I believe in you.’ they agreed ‘hopefully I don’t have to worry about a potential angry bender if it’s just baking..’

 

‘well, you know where I am, just in case.’ she sighed conclusively, unfolding the bag of flour. laf nodded quietly, seeming to take their time backing away.

 

‘yeah, and you too, for me..’

 

they did leave for the lab eventually, but perry didn’t miss the ice eyes lingering on her as they did. how things have changed indeed.

 

in credit to lafontaine though, they didn’t come back even with the longer hours perry thought it was going to take (which was two, maybe three hours).

 

in reality it was five, to be exact.

 

the first batch she didn’t measure right, way too much flour and not enough coco powder. the second one she forgot to sift it. the following she forgot baking powder. the next she did remember to separate the eggs, but forgot before putting in the egg whites, that she needed the yolks instead.

 

she tried not to let it frustrate her. there were some tears and dirty dishes slammed into the sink, but not enough to make her stop. because finally doing something so mundane, but so familiar, like whisking or measuring made her feel like she knew herself again. made her light. she didn’t wanna let go of that.

 

so she pushed on. she burned the first batch she got in the oven. the other she burned the top of the marshmallows because she put the tray on the first rack, not the second. another she got out and it tasted great except that she’d completely forgot to put in any caramels at all.

 

she didn’t stop till she got it.

 

and by her final batch, she had. she took a spoonful and they were the exact taste she’d always made them to be. it might as well have been a miracle. she didn’t even want to eat any more then that. she almost wanted them to stay there, as proof. proof that she was actually her at the very end of it.

 

that was probably why after she’d gotten it, she collapsed. sat on the floor with her back against the cupboards, eyes shut as she did some quiet reveling. she did it. in the quiet, she could hear her heartbeat in her ears, drumming strong against her chest. she wasn’t sure how long she sat there, going past eleven o’clock and far too tired. but triumphant.

 

‘holy hell – gotta say, never think I’d catch you in this big of a mess perr.’

 

lafontaine was coming around, a furrowed look to the kitchen grounds. it was a fair statement. there was a skyscraper worthy pile of dishes in the sink. the counters were covered in batter droplets and dustings of flour. opened containers were scattered about. it was mayhem, and perry wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not that it somehow wasn’t bothering her.

 

‘I didn’t have the energy..’ she said, a loose curl dangling over her lips lifting up as she exhaled.

 

‘but you did it.’ they observed, leaning over to where the brownie sat on the steel rack atop the oven opposite her.

 

‘seventeen batches..’

 

‘jesus christ..’ laf muttered, sticking their nose closer ‘..can I have some?’

 

perry nodded. laf took the nearby spoon, scooping some and taking a taste of the still warm and melty dessert.

 

‘..it’s fantastic.’ they complimented, putting the utensil back ‘laura is gunna be so stoked..’

 

perry didn’t say anything, perhaps because she was just too tired, eyes remaining closed. she heard laf shuffle closer – slowly, maybe nervously.

 

‘..you did it perr. they’re great.’ they spoke quieter, softer ‘..you did it all on your own, you remembered.’

 

slowly, perry cracked her eyes open. she was met with laf staring curiously down at her, the signature button-up and hands stuffed in jeans. their head tilted when her eyes met ice ones.

 

‘...I might need help cleaning up though.’ she blurted out.

 

at that a smile cracked over laf, light chuckle following. they moved closer, hand on the counter to slide down onto the floor, propping themselves up to sit next to her.

 

‘I’m sure we can handle that..’

 

with all they’d been through, there was probably little they couldn’t. the two sat in silence for a while, content with each other’s quiet company. eventually, perry tilted until her head dropped onto laf’s shoulder, eyes closing again. she could feel the sting of tears behind her eyelids, but they weren’t the sad tears from before. maybe they were from exhaustion. or just in understanding the meaning of what she did. the main point, was that the pain looming around her had lifted some, and so she rested contently there next to laf for quite some time.

 

they must’ve thought she’d fallen asleep, or maybe that she just wouldn’t notice at all, but out of nowhere perry feels a kiss pressed atop her head. quick enough you could almost miss it, feather-light, but there all the same. she felt surprise jolt her a little, but she didn’t say anything and it didn’t disturb her rest.

 

she didn’t even say anything when they finally got up to clean. instead, they just worked around each other in the comfortable quiet. they both loved the ease of it, and it was something perry had missed a lot, so she didn’t want to break it.

 

which means she didn’t bother bringing up the kiss, but she did think about it.

 

-

 

so she knew herself again, anyway. well for the most part at least. she was getting there.

 

she just didn’t know how to fit into her own skin.

 

perry sighed helplessly, staring herself down again in the bathroom mirror. she had her shirt hitched at her hips, revealing the jagged words on her stomach. she gently grazed her fingers over the lines, the dips and broken skin, shivering. she still felt like she was floating in herself, in a body she didn’t recognize.

 

she guessed it made sense. through the trauma, she had still stayed with herself. it was her body that’d been taken from her; misused, vilified, smeared. it’s no wonder she can’t see herself.

 

and she had no idea how to remedy that.

 

she was back to looking like herself, the signature sweaters and muted colours. she was doing the stuff she loved to do. but that was about  _her_ , not so much how she  looked, how she came off. she swallowed tightly, hands running through her hair as she racked her brain. maybe she ought to –

 

there was frantic knocking at the door.

 

‘perry?! you in there??’

 

‘lafontaine? y-yes, I’m in here..’

 

‘listen I forgot one on my lab tools in there, can I just come in to grab it??’

 

‘why...why would you leave –’

 

‘no time to answer that; I’ve got a ten minute window for my experiment downstairs. so can I come in or not???’

 

‘I just, I – _sigh_ – alright, fine, yes you can come in..’ 

 

perry quickly pushed down her shirt before the door burst open. laf, safety goggles resting on the top of their head, and, to perry’s horror, wearing a tank top and jeans, rushes in.

 

‘lafontaine you’re not wearing any protection! –’

 

‘relax, I left my lab coat downstairs.’ they assured, gently but hurriedly scooting her out of the way to get to the cupboard underneath the sink. perry sighed but let them through as they knealt, opening the doors.

 

‘okay, should be right in here..’

 

‘how do you know it’s in here?’

 

‘because instead of finding what I needed in my usual drawer of tools, I found my toothbrush instead.’

 

‘of course you did..’

 

perry shook her head – by now, she should stop being surprised. she watched them scour, still concerned over the flimsy tank top they had on that left them far too susceptible to burns and explosions. her eyes moved over the bare shoulders, distracted by the splash of colour just under their left one.

 

it was that tattoo, the one perry had scorned since laf got in their first year of silas. it was small, just the outline of the starfleet logo from star trek, the double circle inside and coloured in a blue galaxy print to represent the medical field ( _“the blue shirts are obviously the coolest ones.”_ ) laf had been a fan of the show since they were little, and by default, that meant perry had grown up with it too. like  she’d  said, no matter the size, she’d scorned it at first, having a hard time imagining why anyone would want to scar their body like that forever.

 

staring at it, something suddenly clicked in her head.

 

her heart jolted up a little but before she could analyze that absolutely insane idea, laf let out an ‘aha!’ and swiped some kind of scalpel thing from their toothbrush holder.

 

‘got it! thanks perr.’

 

‘okay, just, please tell me you’ll put on thicker layers –’

 

but lafontaine was already up and moving, speeding past perry to their way downstairs.

 

‘yeah yeah, I’ll get right on it –’

 

perry sighed again, watching the red head disappear. she doesn’t know why she bothers honestly.

 

she turned back to herself in the mirror, but had been so knocked from her head space there was no point now. instead she huffed and turned off the light, exiting the bathroom.

 

the image of laf’s tattoo and the permanency of themself in it didn’t leave her head.

 

heart beating wild like a kid trying to sneak an extra cookie from the jar, she walked hurriedly to her bed. on the pile of books sitting on the stand beside, she slipped the thin, burgundy cover of plath from underneath. she skipped to the near end of the story, finger drawing down the paper until she lands –

 

there. on the line.

 

_I am, I am, I am._

 

she stood there, staring at it, lips pressed together. it fit so well, and even though she never once in a million years would think of this herself, it somehow became the perfect idea.

 

if not the most insane.

 

‘hey, do you have the laundry?’

 

perry jumped, hands dropping the book in her surprise. she scrambled to catch it, spinning around and quickly putting it behind her like she’d been caught in some nefarious act.

 

‘what?!’

 

it was laura, leaning against the doorway and raising an eyebrow to her.

 

‘oh! laura, laura right..’ perry sighed, pushing her hair back from her face ‘wh-what is it??..’

 

‘the uh, laundry machine is empty so I figured maybe you..–’

 

‘oh, yes! I did, I-I meant to fold it, I’m sorry..’

 

‘it’s okay, it’s just _someone_ was having a tantrum about not being able to find their leather pants, so..’ 

 

she rolled her eyes and perry let herself smile. she walked up to her friend with a ‘follow me’, ushering her to where she’d put the basket downstairs, the book tossed on her bed, forgotten about.

 

that idea was that, then.

 

-

 

well, not really.

 

the idea followed her.

 

she couldn’t shake it for days after, the elation she felt making the realization. the premise that she finally found some way to come home to her body, a way of claiming after it’d been bruised and mistreated.

 

it was a ridiculous idea of course. she couldn’t imagine possibly entertaining it. of putting herself through that pain, of doing something like that to her body.  _her_ of all people. what would her parents think? her grandmother?

 

they certainly would think she’d changed  _then,_ that’s for sure.

 

but, that was true in a way. she had changed. there was no possible way to crawl out of what she went through unscathed and unmarked.

 

she was still  _her,_ at the end of it. that was important, especially for her to figure out. but she wasn’t perry from before. she wasn’t the willfully ignorant girl who turned a blind eye to any possible abnormality and danger. wasn’t the same positive person who could pretend like there was always a light at the end of the dark tunnel. sometimes there was, but she’s had to learn how to fight for it. 

 

that perry from before would’ve wasted under the darkness and the demon’s sick torment.

 

it was ten at night and she’s up, wracking her brain about it. about who she’s is and who she’s come to be and how the trauma and strength have morphed together to be her – here, right now. she’s shifting as she sits up in bed, cloaked in dark except for the christmas lights lafontaine had strung around the headboard for her. the mentioned redhead was slumbering away beside her once more, unaware of her stirring.

 

in the glow of the white lights, she could barely make out the same tattoo poking out from their shirt. her fingertips dragged over the warm skin, tracing the design and sighing.

 

this wasn’t going to leave her alone, was it?

 

she pushes up to the edge of the bed, grasping for laf’s laptop laying on the bedside table. she propped it open and was quick to make a simple search in google, just to see if – only  _if_ – there’d be somewhere to go in the outstretched idea she’d do it. to her great amazement, there was a place actually open this late. she gave a once over to their website; seems legit.

 

perry sighed again, torn. half of her had a foot stuck in the comfort of sameness, the rock of normalcy that never took big risks. she’d made her home there for a long time.

 

the other part, other foot – it was reaching out. it was looking to leap.

 

she leaned over and grasped the plath book, opening it up yet again to the same page and the same sentence. starred at the same line of words, yet again. they still resonated deep in her in a way that she couldn’t shake.

 

beside the books, there was a notebook and a single pen. she took them both and ripped a single page out. then, in her neatest cursive, she wrote out the line. she briefly considered doing it in her grandmother’s printing – she’d copied out how to do it as a kid from purely wanting to emulate the older woman – but put the idea aside. she did it in her own printing.

 

there. it didn’t look half bad. in fact, she kind of loved it.  _dammit._

 

was this a dangerous idea? probably. would she go on to hate it? there’s a likelihood. and god, maybe, this was just some offset of trauma so how could she really trust herself?

 

but she was tired.

 

she was tired of looking at herself and not knowing who it was. of pressing fingers over her skin and not feeling anything. of feeling  from the scars and the marks that she was still owned by  _her._

 

she was tired of being indecisive and too nervous to try. of feeling scared. overpowered.

 

she was tired of her old ways.

 

and she wasn’t going to be ruled by  _her_ or fear anymore. 

 

she pushed off the bed. she quickly slipped on jeans, and then a tank top, realizing she was going to need to have the skin exposed. she snatched her coat, purse, keys, and then, the single piece of paper. before she could stop herself, she threw open the door and closed it behind her.

 

she was off to reclaim herself.

 

-

 

the man behind the counter wasn’t doing anything for her nerves.

 

he’s exactly the copy-out perry would imagine for a tattoo parlor; massive enough to reach the ceiling and covered head to toe in ink. his head had to be the size of a watermelon. he could probably bench-press a four-by-four. his brow seemed permanently sewed together and wearing a constant look of slight displeasure.

 

but the good thing about everything that’d happened, is that, as she decided, perry isn’t interested in being scared anymore. didn’t mean she still wasn’t a little anxious about this idea or the guy who looked like a disney villain henchman, but she wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. plus, she’d talked herself up and walked herself all the way here, how could she give up now?

 

after all she’d been through, after essentially outlasting a  _god,_ there was n’t fear big enough that  could top that anymore.

 

so she walks right up to the glass counter filled with piercing and designs and tosses down the lose paper she’d been clutching in her hand.

 

‘I’d like this done.’ a pause ‘please.’

 

he raised an intrigued, but thankfully judgment free for how sorely perry stuck out in a place like this, brow and took the paper, examining it.

 

‘...should be simple enough.’ he said, pulling over the binder that had a scrawled in schedule ‘you’re looking to get that done now?..’

 

‘if you have the time..’

 

‘alright, if this is it, and you know where you want it and everything, I got the time..’

 

that’s a yes. perry took in a deep breath; she was doing this, it’s happening. she was anxious, but she was sure.

 

‘I do.’

 

‘...alright.’ he mused, grabbing a nearby for the books ‘here, I’ll uh, just put this all in before beginning..– you got a name?..’

 

perry blinked back, startled.

 

‘my-my name?..’

 

‘yeah..’ he furrowed, about as thrown as her ‘I gotta know who you are and everything to put it in, so...who are you?..’

 

_who are you?_ things slowed a little for perry. she hadn’t exactly expected being upfronted with this, the thing she seemed to be asking herself repeatedly for the past month. she chewed on her lip, trying to sort out the mist until, it evaporated. 

 

of course.  _her name._

 

she took in a deeper breath and held up her head, straightening herself up with an assurance she hadn’t felt..well, maybe ever. she knew it now.

 

‘lola.’ she chose to answer. that was her name. not _girl._ not just perry. ‘lola anita perry.’

 

another brow raise.

 

‘...that’s not bad. alright..there, done, now you can follow me to the back...’

 

so perry followed him into the hall, taking in a deep breath,

 

and feeling her heart beat steady in each step.

 

-

 

‘lafontaine. lafontaine wake up.’

 

‘wh-whaa..’

 

lafontaine dragged up their head from resting on the pillow, blinking foggy eyes trying to get a good look at perry in the dark bedroom. she was sitting up, criss-crossed, for some reason back in jeans and a tank top, hands on their shoulder and looking down with a monotone expression that somehow still seemed alarmed.

 

‘perry, what’re you..–’

 

‘I need your help..–’

 

‘what? what-what is it?!’ they were up like they hadn’t been dead to the world, protective alarm making eyes go wide and hands around her ‘what happened?!’

 

‘I’m fine –’

 

‘did something happen to you, did you see something, _are you hurt –’_

 

‘sweetheart _really,_ it’s fine.’ perry sighed, gently pushing them back to the bed ‘I promise nothing has happened to me..’

 

‘..well, alright..’ laf sat back, semi-satisfied ‘what is it then?..’

 

‘I may be going through an identity crisis.’

 

‘...you might need to elaborate.’

 

‘I..I just..I-I did something that might be..bad, but I-I don’t feel bad about it really but honestly knowing myself I _should_ be, so I-I can’t tell if it’s good or bad or if I need to feel bad for liking it or maybe this some kind of off-set of ptsd, I don’t..–’

 

‘perr.’ laf cut off by grasping her shoulder ‘unless it’s literally killing or maiming, I don’t think it’s going to be that bad – you wanna tell..?’

 

she couldn’t even do _tell,_ unsure of how to actually start talking about it. so she reached back, flicking on the bedside lamp, and taking a breath, put a finger under the newly sore spot on her chest.

 

‘here.’

 

‘I don’t get – _holy fuck –’_

 

‘ _lafontaine –’_

 

‘that is _not_ a tattoo!’ laf slapped her hand away for a better look, eyes going wide again ‘..that-that, _shit,_ that’s a tattoo! holy crap perr! is that even real?!’

 

‘of course it is – why would I wake you for a fake tattoo?!’

 

‘I dunno, could be a very hilarious prank to pull on me..’

 

‘you would think that..’ perry sighs, furrowing down at them ‘..and stop smiling so much!’

 

‘sorry.’ laf finally moved their examining eyes to her, all but beaming ‘but my cookie-baking, high-strung best friend who once said tattoos were a gateway to recreational drugs and never being able to apply for a credit card, currently has fresh ink sewn over her skin, so apologies for being a little thrown..’

 

‘well it’s _very_ smug.’ 

 

‘I can’t believe it..’ they grinned, tracing a thumb just under the spot, careful of the sensitive skin ‘I mean, I guess it’s the more modest one you could possibly get..what-what is it anyway?..’

 

‘..it’s plath.’ perry explained, taking in another deep breath ‘it’s..when, in _the bell jar,_ the main character attends the funeral of one of her friends who’d committed suicide, after..after trying to do the same not long before..and..remarking on..the impermanence of herself and of life..but, at that moment, she knows she’s still here..she’s still herself and still living, despite everything...’ 

 

perry sighed out, remarking on how quiet lafontaine had become. she held her head up to look them in the eye.

 

‘I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.’

 

laf didn’t say anything, pressing lips together. perry, this time, was the steadier one, despite the heavy quietness of her voice.

 

‘..everything about me has been shaken up since..what happened. but..’ she brought up her fingertips, a feather graze around the sore skin, the new mark of _her_ where she could just feel her heart beat away ‘..I’m here, still, underneath it all...’ 

 

laf sat back for a while, drawn brow and seeming hard in thought. perry sat back and stayed quiet, allowing them the room.

 

‘..I know it’s been hard for you perr,’ they finally started, switching gazes between her and where they were twiddling fingers in their lap ‘I guess I didn’t figure how bad it was, and how hollow you really seemed..but, I knew you’d be able to push back, brownies and everything, and despite all that shit you’re really becoming like your same old self again, and it’s amazing..–’

 

‘but that’s just the thing honey.’ perry reached out, taking both their hands in hers ‘I can’t just be myself again; I can’t just..fit this new version of myself, of what’s happened to her, into the old one – she..she never would’ve been able to comprehend what happened. and when you’ve been erased, it’s hard to just...slip into yourself again..’

 

‘so..’

 

‘so, I’m starting from the basics.’ perry said, nodding to herself and allowing a smile ‘which, you know, isn’t so bad sometimes, being able to really mold yourself for who you wanna be..’

 

finally seeing perry happy, it got a smile to dawn over laf.

 

‘well I believe in you.’

 

perry let her smile grow, beaming at them. her hand reached out, fingers sinking into the short tresses of red hair, palm sliding against cheek. laf’s smile withdrew from surprise, silent curiosity tilting their head as they stared up at her. fondness squeezed at perry’s heart, thumb rubbing over.

 

‘and you know what else I realized?..’

 

‘wh-what?..’

 

she leaned forward and pressed her lips over theirs. laf was frozen in the first few seconds from shock, but once it passed, they easily fell into her, kissing back.

 

most coming togethers were all encompassing; dramatic events that had a suspenseful lead up to the moment of  _yes, finally._ it’s expected after waiting around so long for it, and eighteen years was a very long time.

 

this wasn’t like that. it wasn’t gasps and grabby hands and devouring lips. it was gentle. it was soft. sweet, almost. they were letting it develop slowly because of nerves probably, but it was nice anyway. her hand stayed clasped around their cheek and slowly, theirs slid over to grasp her other free hand, intertwining fingers. two loose pieces made whole.

 

perry had been nervous for how it would feel initially, what would be the reaction. there was a lot riding on both their shoulders, and seeing if it would work out was a big price.

 

this felt exactly right. like it was how it should be, like fitting right into each other. like neither could believe they hadn’t done this before.

 

loosing air, perry pulled away. laf’s eyes were still closed, and they had to slowly blink back to life, rising from the dazed coma. they stared up at perry and she starred back, pressing lips together to hold in her smile, neither being able to say anything that’d already probably been said by what’d happened. 

 

‘...so that’s different.’

 

perry had to laugh, a breath escaping as her head came down. laf rose a brow to her, their amusement not enough to wash out the confusion on their face. perry looked back up, coming back down to earth to finally say what she’d been sitting on for a while.

 

‘I just realized..that, when you’re close to loosing someone you care about..you really learn just _how_ you love them, and how much. I think..I’ve always known somehow but could never quite see it – until I nearly lost everything..’ lafontaine had a look like something of awe, making her smile again ‘and I know, I love you..’ 

 

‘yeah, I realized that too..’

 

perry blinked back, not expecting such a fast reaction ‘you did?..’

 

‘yeah. I also think, like you said, I’ve probably always felt this way about you but since you were my best friend it got all messy and then life and harrowing dangers got the in the way that it never surfaced – right till, yeah, I almost lost you. going through that..made me see how much you mean to me..’ laf themself, was too nervous to keep her eyes, back to staring through their lap ‘but I never brought it up because you’ve been having such a hard time, I-I didn’t wanna freak you out; I thought it might be too much..’

 

perry hadn’t really considered what laf would say when she explained her heart, how they felt. her only thought was the driving need to say it. so that reaction was more then what she could’ve expected. she felt her throat collapse in, tears behind eyes. her fingers tightened around theirs, around the worn, rough fingerpads.

 

‘and what do you think now?..’ she whispered.

 

they laughed airly, head dipping down only to come back up, smiling up at her in return.

 

‘..that I was a doofus for not figuring it out sooner.’

 

perry can’t help giggling too. laf beamed watching her, watching the same sunshine finally come back home to her. she  _was_ starting to finally look like perry.

 

she must’ve read their elation because she put her fingertips under their chin, pulling them into another kiss. laf could feel her smiling against them, which was cheesy as all get out but it just made them even happier. and perry too, knowing things were becoming right in the world, that she has her love. her laf and herself. when they both broke apart, laf was giving her a particular look.

 

‘wow – kissing, tattoos..’ they mulled, lips tilting up ‘I like this new perry..’

 

‘she’s not _new,_ just..reinvented.’ perry tried to explain, brow pinched together ‘I mean, still me, I-I don’t want that to alarm you to think I’m changing all of me or us or anything..–’

 

‘I don’t care.’ laf shrugged rather easily. perry had to tilt her head at that, prompting an answer.

 

‘It doesn’t matter to me what you do; get tattoos, change clothes, dye hair, turn inside out, stop wearing skirts then just ones nuns could double in – it’s whatever.’

 

they beamed up at her, wide smile, that shining love that laura must’ve been talking about bleeding out. it made her soften.

 

‘I love you. I wanna be where you are, with whoever you are.’

 

that broke her reserve.

 

perry sat there, eye to eye with laf, gaping as tears started to come down. at that laf immediately lost their happy disposition, smile disappearing, but before they could do anything perry had her arms around them. she squeezed tight around their shoulders, head buried in the crook of their neck to stifle the quiet cries. laf’s arms soon came around her, slow in their worry but sure, holding onto her.

 

‘perr..’

 

‘ _I love you..’_ she gasped, squeezing teary eyes shut ‘and I just..just... _thank you,_ for..everything..’

 

laf quieted, feeling her loosen her arms and peel back, wiping under her eyes. she can feel their gaze burning into her, looking back to them and the furrowed seriousness they wore well.

 

‘you..you don’t have to thank me..–’

 

‘I know.’ she answered immediately, ‘cause she did know; laf stayed quiet at that, but slowly, a wobbling smile came back to her and she grasps onto their wrists ‘..but you’re the one who keeps saving me..’

 

rather then the smile she was expecting, lafontaine looked away, face clouded over. if perry didn’t know any better, she could’ve sworn it was guilt laf was wearing.

 

‘I-I didn’t...I mean, in the end, laura was really the one who..–’

 

perry cupped the side of their face, pulling them wide-eyed to her.

 

‘I don’t care about that.’ she declared, and it was true, she really didn’t. laf could only blink back, god honest innocent shock because what else cold she mean? and perry could almost shake her head at them, at how unbelievably smart they were you’d think this would be so clear.

 

clear that she wasn’t talking about that.

 

‘honey..’ perry whispered, unable to hold back the love bleeding out of her smile ‘you’ve always been my saviour.’

 

it took a couple seconds to settle in but then laf saw, she actually wasn’t talking about that at all. it wasn’t about who exactly, physically pulled her out of the dark space.

 

it was about who still believed in her after a monster made her do the unspeakable, who knew that she wasn’t past the point of no return. who stood over her body and guarded and absolutely refused anyone lay a finger on her, immovable. who never gave up on her, even once. who never gave up her coming back to them or in her always sticking by them and her friends, no matter the dangers they were all getting into. who followed her half-way across the world even if it was only her dream to attend silas. who defended her from every school-ground bully and whoever said she wasn’t something incredible, even to the cost of bruised knuckles. who always stuck by her side, regardless of the differences and bumps along the way.

 

who, despite going off to forge their own dream or find someone who could actually match their skill, chose her at every opportunity.

 

laf’s eyes became glossy and they didn’t speak, perhaps unable. rather, they slipped a hand behind her neck and pulled her forward, kissing her temple. perry let out a breath, almost a laugh. she let them rest their forehead against hers, gaze pouring in.

 

‘..I’m so glad you’re finally home..’

 

this time, she does laugh, just once ‘me too..’

 

‘but..’ finally laf starts to brighten, the second nature sarcasm starting to show, and their hand dropped down to just above her tattoo, thumb rubbing over the skin ‘I think you underestimate yourself a little..’

 

perry bit into her cheek, keeping in her grin. laf always was the one who stood up for her, protected her from things her soft nature hadn’t grown a shell for yet. but things were different. things were changing. she had changed, quite a lot, and was headed for even more in the future.

 

and for the first time, she was so ready to see it.

 

she let her grin grow, shining in front of laf who couldn’t be more in love if they tried.

 

‘not anymore..’

 

and she leans up, kissing them and feeling them smile against her.

 

the night ends with her pulling them back into the bed, held tightly together and sharing soft kisses before falling asleep. and for the first time, with laf’s arm clasped around her and hearing their quiet breathing, perry slept through the night.

 

she could also hear their heartbeat through the worn t-shirt, listening to it once more beat sure and steady.

 

and this time, she could hear her own beating in tandem with it.

**Author's Note:**

> I know there's only going to be like, three and half of you who actually enjoy the minor characters enough to have finished and made it here, so please, if you liked it tell me down below. I crave validation and the need to know people love Perry and the other characters too outside of just laura and carmilla.
> 
> p.s We don't know much about Perry's family, but I've hc'd her as a middle child, with an older sister and younger brother. The older sister (who I realize right now I didn't even mention in this) is kinda turbulent and takes all their parents attention, and her younger brother has Downs, so by fault Perry kinda fell through the cracks. Which is why she's so close with her grandmother, who she spent most of her time with when she was younger and who pays extra attention to her after noticing Perry gets kinda left out sometimes. I've also, since the beginning, have hc'd Perry with an anxiety disorder, possibly OCD, to give some context there.


End file.
